Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
God, I missed his penis.
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