wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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