if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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