I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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