ya dads aren't the best wingmen
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Randomize
