At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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