the condom got lost in my hair
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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