She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
