even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
