Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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