Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
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