If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
