just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize
