i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
