chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
No...this little piggys going to the bar
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
