There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Randomize
