Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
