So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
