Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
