p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
