3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I can't put those talents on a resume
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Randomize
