All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
