I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize