if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize