Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
