Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
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