If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
