I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
