My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
