i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
