I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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