there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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