how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
