My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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