My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
