He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
