Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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