when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
