Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
