My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Randomize
