Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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