Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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