She's JV to your varsity
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
