I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
