My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
