At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize