i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
God gave him joint rollers for hands
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
