he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize