watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
