Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
