Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
