I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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