he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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