1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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