I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
