I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Randomize
