Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
