The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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