i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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