so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Randomize
