I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize