I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
