I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Randomize
