apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
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