This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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