he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
