I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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