Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
