Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
this is an emotional support booty call
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
You left your phone here
Wait...
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
