17 year olds will be the death of me.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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